This Means War
by StrangePhenomenon
Summary: Tony accidentally starts a practical joke war; mayhem ensues. Ensemble fic. I'd love reviews if you have the time!


It all starts when Tony doesn't get coffee. He tell them and tells them that he needs coffee to function, make important decisions, form words, all that good stuff. But Pepper starts throwing words around like _high blood pressure_ and _cardiac arrest_ and gives him sad eyes, and, well, he just can't say no to her sad eyes.

Hence, no coffee. Hence, Tony's ability to judge the insanity of his actions is working even less than usual. Which is probably why he replaced Clint's shampoo with maple syrup.

In his defense, it wasn't _meant_to be a prank. He'd needed some shampoo, apparently just water couldn't get you clean, or so Natasha said and she probably knew because she knows everything. So he'd stolen Clint's. Tony had fully intended to get him some more, but in the meantime he replaced it with the most similar bottle he could find, which happened to be maple syrup. Which, okay, was a monumentally stupid idea, but there were _reasons_. Such as caffeine deprivation.

The next morning, at breakfast, Clint comes in glaring (which was pretty usual). Tony, in his tired haze (_no coffee)_ isn't really been paying attention – that is, until Clint climbs on the table and declares war against them all.

"What," Tony says, "what is happening. Someone help, I am not equipped to understand things like this at this time of day."

"Someone put syrup in place of Clint's shampoo. He's taken it as an insult and declared a practical joke war on us all," Steve explains, his eyebrows disapproving.

Tony suddenly feels very, very awake. And sort of terrified, because Clint is scary, okay, especially that time he had to wake Tony up for a meeting and crawled in through the vents and stood beside Tony's bed looming over him and sort of rasped his name so Tony woke up thinking that, like, the _devil_ was in his room.

Yeah. Tony is pretty much terrified of all the other Avengers. And now they're pitted against each other in a practical joke war. He looks around nervously, sees the others doing the same.

"I should go work on a prototype – " he starts, then just decides, screw it, and begins backing away from the rest of them. Bruce mumbles something about his cultures being ready and darts away. Steve just leaves without an excuse. Clint is God knows where, and Natasha –

Huh. Where is Natasha?

Tony quickly abandons that very scary line of thought, and hightails it down to his lab. _At least Thor is still sleeping_, he thinks, then punches in the passcode and heads inside.

A bucket pivots above him; he's just caught the motion and looked up when a few gallons of ice cold water fall on him.

"_How_," he mutters, wringing out his clothes, "this lab is protected with all kinds of security, just _how._"

…

The next day, someone steals all of Thor's clothes. Thor seems not at all concerned, and wanders around completely nude. Tony's not complaining.

The only strange thing is that no one will admit to stealing them. Soon that conundrum is solved by the arrival of a package containing a large amount of women's lingerie and a note signed _Loki_.

The next day, photos of Thor in black lace are all over the news.

…

"Here we are with Captain America, in the newly built Avengers Tower. Captain, what can you tell us about living in the tower?"

"Well, it's been great. I love spending time with the other Avengers and – eugh!" He lifts a hand off the doorknobs like it's been burned. "It's covered in soap again! Bruce, you jerk, I have an interview!"

Laughter drifts in through the air vents. The newscaster looks around nervously. Suddenly, Natasha and Bruce burst into the room, each carrying a veritable arsenal of water balloons.

"Guys, no – are those full of _paint_?'

…

"_Tony!"_

"Jeez, Cap, calm down. This prototype's sensitive, if I mess up it'll be problematic."

"Tony."

"Captain."

"You."

"Me?"

"You _dyed all my clothes._"

"Now that hurts, Cap. Why would you jump to the conclusion that I did it?"

"They're all red and gold, Tony_._"

"You should really calm down. I know you're all super soldier and stuff, but this much hostility can't be good for you. Just accept your defeat and you'll feel much better – hey, what are you doing, no, no, that is so incorrect, this is a prototype Steve, don't –

…

"You know," Steve says pensively, "even though that resulted in an explosion that leveled part of the building, I still feel it was worth it."

"You are a truly horrifying individual, Steve," Clint says.

Thor chuckles and pats Steve on the back. "Nay, he is a true warrior!"

"So where's Tony now?" Natasha asks.

Steve shrugs. "Last I saw him, he was running away cackling and declaring revenge."

"Huh," Bruce muses. "But no one's seen him for two days?"

Natasha sits bolt upright, cutting off Steve's response. "Did you hear that?"

They all look nervously toward the kitchen. A figure appears in the doorway – Tony, his eyes wild and his hair sticking up everywhere.

"FOOD FIGHT!" he yells.

They all rush to the kitchen. Clint starts pelting pretzels with deadly accuracy. Thor is just laughing and pouring orange juice on everyone. Natasha has fashioned some kind of slingshot and is shooting bits of Twinkie into Thor's hair.

Bruce is doing something furtive in a corner; suddenly, he stands up and plugs something in, flips a switch. Everyone ducks and covers as the uncovered blender sprays a mix of hummus, milk, and yogurt everywhere. Steve uses his shield to catch some of the disgusting concoction and fling it back at Bruce.

A door opens. They look up, and Coulson is standing there.

"I'm back from my mission and _good God what are you all doing_ – "

He's cut off as they all leap towards him with war cries.

…

When they all get out of the SHIELD holding cells, Tony finds a new coffee machine in the kitchen with a card next to it, signed by all the Avengers.


End file.
